Monday, February 13, 2017

Your Love is Fierce...

I was so angry. So painfully, gut-wrenchingly, angry.

I didn’t know that’s what it was.

January was exhausting, sickly, draining. It clipped fast on the heels of December and holidays and before I knew it, what should have been a day to celebrate my beautiful niece, was a reminder that she wasn’t here. And I was a mess all day. Cried about everything. I had a purple heart on the calendar and I was destroyed.

I went to choir practice the following Wednesday. I usually always want to go. This week, I didn’t. I felt shattered and exposed and I knew that any song, every song, would set me off. I knew I needed to go, something deep in my spirit knew, but I was so apprehensive. One chorus. One bridge. One well-meaning repeat and I would be undone. I had been breaking and re-breaking in a thousand different ways since October. I was falling apart in every direction.

I had to leave during practice once that night. Went into the ladies room and sobbed so loud, before I could stop myself. My grief was tearing its way through me. It wouldn’t stay in and it couldn’t be tamed. I was going to unravel completely. One tug, one hand on my shoulder, I would fracture again and again. Not even an hour later, I stepped off the risers and all but ran out of the church before we finished sound checking for Sunday. I couldn’t do this. Could. Not.

I sat in the parking lot for thirty minutes and cried.

On my short drive home, I started talking to God. I had become a little estranged from Him. I hadn’t intended to. I just thought I was a mess and when I felt better, it would all be better. But I wasn’t feeling any better and He only seemed further out. I seemed further out. I didn’t know what to say... as though we had had an argument and I didn’t know if I should make the first move or keep waiting. It felt uncertain and painful. But I spoke the words against the windshield of my husband’s truck. I spoke into the night and I spoke to Him, because I knew He was everywhere. The truth eeked out.

“You should have told me.” My voice cracked and my spirit severed. 

I gasped for air. The truth was out. The ugly, nasty truth was out and it finally made sense and He heard me loud and clear. I’m mad and I’m hurt and dismayed and it’s all too late, so, so too late - and You should have told me! I know I’m not God, but I could have done something. Would have done anything. I was near Him and listening and seeking and I would have heard. Would have followed through. Anything, Lord. 

I pull into our gravel drive and sit. Crying. Watching the moon. Gritting my teeth, my head pounding. But there was a warmth against my chest, my shoulders. A nearness. He was there, had always been there - holding me together and holding me together still. I had just been fighting and angry; so gosh darned wrecked that I didn’t see that all I was doing was running in the wrong direction. My busted heart in my hands, a hundred thousand miles in the wrong direction.

Thursday I woke up and for the first time in months I felt it. Hope.

On Sunday night I’m sitting with my small group from church and our leader talks about the beauty of Christ. Starts talking about Narnia and Aslan and the stone table. Of sacrifice and love and fierce loyalty. My heart was gasping for air and truth. My eyes blinking too fast against tears. And I just sat there and soaked it up. Give me every crumb, every dusting, every appearance, every nearness and greatness and smallness of Christ. I was starving for Him. I sat there and listened and fell in love all over again. How great, how tender, how beautiful, how fierce. Our God.

I came home and put an image of a lion on my phone as my lock screen. 

And I’m scheduled to play keyboard with the band for the following Sunday morning and we have a new song. A brand new song, simply called, “Jesus”, and I print it out and write in my chords and I swallow every word, eek out harmonies and I’m amazed as we sing of the loveliness of Jesus: “He roars like a lion, He bled as the lamb...” 

He roars. Like a lion. I would wake up in the night for weeks with those words.

My heart finally mended. While loss was certainly making my heart ache, isolating and keeping myself distanced from God was destroying me in ways I couldn’t put into words. I’d glance at the lock screen and my hungry heart would smile and feel safe. At home. Three weeks solid, a lion on my phone, a fierce love taking me back and healing me all over. Whenever I felt like I was suffocating or that my insides were stabbing through my outsides, I would see that image on my phone, hear the words of that song and I would take a deep breath and put myself back in His hands.

Back between those mighty paws, if you’re a Narnia fan.

A full three weeks later and it’s another Sunday. I’m back with the earbuds in my ears, my fingers on the keys, clearing my throat against the mic. And I’m stunned a little silly - we’re doing a new song, but not the new song we had scheduled. I’m a little confused as to what this song is or where it came from. I text my friend, Richelle: “We’re doing another song about God being a lion.” She texts back, “I’m not surprised.” My voice falls in step with our worship leader,  “Our God is a lion, the Lion of Judah. He’s roaring with power and fighting our battles.... Who can stop the Lord almighty?”

And then it’s today, a fresh week,

I’m sitting in my house with my two youngest boys and my friend and a plate of cookies and we’re talking about it all. About where I was in my spirit a month ago and where I am now. How good God is. How near. How aware. How tender. How careful. He’s the most loving, most adoring, most dear. I felt overwhelmed with Him and the sun blinded me as it poured in the windows of my home.

For the first time in like forever, both littles were napping. I opted out of work and settled down with coffee and candle and journal. Decided to take some deep breaths and do a little recon on this lion of a God. I tap “Aslan” into my Pinterest search bar.

I burst into tears the second the page loads.

That’s me. I know that’s Narnia and Lucy. But that’s me.  That’s God. That’s a hundred and twelve times over and over again what has been going on with me. Sit stunned, tears streaming and I take a picture and text it to Richelle. My heart pounding, smiling, freaking out. I keep scrolling and pinning to my new board. So grateful. So released. So seen.

I pin and scroll and scroll and pin and then I’m frozen. My heart stops, skips.

I had no idea about Lucy and her crown. I can’t even say I’ve read the Narnia series completely through. I have a vague recollection of a witch and a wardrobe and some beavers. Right? I know about the stone table. But this? I didn’t know about this. 

He loves me, He loves me. It reverberates through my entire spirit.

My name, Laura, means, “Crowned with laurel leaves.”

You can’t make this stuff up.  

I sit freshly stunned. Just sit and stare and blink at my screen. 

The lyrics to a new song I've been listening to winds itself around my ears for what feels like the first time. It's the words I didn't write and the song I didn't pen, but it's all of me. For the first time in maybe forever, I get it. It all snatches itself together - a long line of stories and truths and moments - and His presence overtakes me. I'm under His wings, in His hands, my face buried in His mane. 

I'm honored and understood and victorious. It's the eve before the day of love and I've never felt so adored. So fought for, so known, so passionately redeemed, so deeply understood. 

Home.


It's not the news that any of us hoped that we would hear

It's not the road we would have chosen, no

The only thing that we can see is darkness up ahead

But You're asking us to lay our worry down and sing a song instead



And I didn't know I'd find You here

In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace

So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry us through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fears, with peace

You say that I should come to You with everything I need
You're asking me to thank you even when the pain is deep
You promise that You'll come and meet us on the road ahead
And no matter what the fear says, You give me a reason to be glad

And I didn't know I'd find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me, with peace

So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fear

Here in the middle of the lonely night
Here in the middle of the losing fight, You're
Here in the middle of the deep regret
Here when the healing hasn't happened yet

Here in the middle of the desert place
Here in the middle when I cannot see Your face
Here in the middle with Your outstretched arms
You can see my pain and it breaks Your heart

And I didn't know I'd find You here
In the middle of my deepest fear, but
You are drawing near
You are overwhelming me with, peace

So I'll lift my voice and sing
You're gonna carry me through everything
You are drawing near
You're overwhelming all my fear with peace

Rejoice, rejoice
Don't have to worry 'bout a single thing, 'cause
You are overwhelming me with, peace!

Don't have to worry 'bout a single thing
You're gonna carry us through everything
Overwhelming peace...
~  E l l i e   H o l c o m b ,   " F i n d   Y o u   H e r e "



Thursday, October 27, 2016

{ I've Heard the Whisper ... }

Nobody likes to sit in the dark.

That’s what I tell him as I flip on the light so he can clearly see his granola bar, handful of Froot Loops and his Star Wars vitamins.

No one wants darkness.  It’s heavy and depressing.  Oppressing. It feels sneaky and devious. It can feel scary and hopeless.  It’s a wet blanket on the warm fire of a sun-filled day. It snuffs out all the hope and brilliance, ideas and dreams, that you had during the day. In the dark it all shifts. It all feels worn and tired, old and pointless; you feel lost in a forest of trees with eyes and faces and arms and you wonder why you ever thought you could find your way out or change the world.

The darkness can be such a storyteller of lies.

The darkness can be such a sanctuary for the Teller of all the lies. 

And the darkness can be banished... just. like. that.

“Let there be light.”

God proved in the very beginning, before elephants and man and oceans and babies... He proved first that beyond creating, beyond teaching leaves how to change colors and birds how to migrate and tides to come in... He showed first that He had power over darkness.  Over the void.  Over the nothingness.  

He was and He is and His command, whether spoken or thought, caused the black to tuck its tail and go running.  Skittering into complete oblivion.  Not just hiding.  Not just slipping under a couch or behind a cloud or into a closet for awhile... completely unable to skirt around God’s whispered but thundrous command. Go and it went. 

I find I’ve been holding my breath.  While I’m reading, while I’m writing, while I’m starting laundry. I’m holding my breath and I think it’s because it feels like I’m holding my heart together.  Like if I just pull it all in, the fragments of my heart won’t splinter off and stab themselves through my skin.  

Not that my grief is or can be hidden, but somehow I think that’s what my poor little heart thinks. If I just hold it in... maybe it’ll go away.  Maybe I can have the power to banish all that, too.  Maybe I can pretend that it’s all a terrible, awful dream and I’m going to wake up. 

Surely I will wake up soon.

My lungs are screaming and I don’t even realize it. My sister held me and rubbed my back and whispered, “Just breathe deep.  Deep breaths.” And I didn’t even know I wasn’t breathing.

The darkness dwarfed, outweighed, everything. 

It’s so heavy and I drop everything just to hold it against me. I don’t know what else to do. It’s just there, like a bundle shoved in my arms, bags and bags of heavy groceries and burden and it’s just there, hanging in my hands, slipping heavy off my fingers, and I just stand and hold my breath and hold it all. I don’t know what to do with it. Where to set it down. Where to put it away.

We all have said it in the past week. What do we do? Where do we go? What do you need, what can I do? What can I do, what can I do... 

How do we fix it, explain it, redeem it? It’s silly, but our desperation whispers it quiet in the back, in the farthest room away, we hear it through the walls of our selves... how do we get her back? How do we reverse it?

And we can’t. And the darkness, if you let it, will fill your empty cup to overflowing.

I drag it all out from under my bed on the drive home. I sing it out and cry it out and pray it out. I talk it out and try to think it out. The sun beats down on my dusty minivan and I just want to go home. I want a hug. I want my babies and kindness and someone to be gentle with me, because I’m so thin right now. I feel like I’m transparent and I’m walking around just waiting on someone to step on some stray piece of myself that I’m suely dragging and I know, I know, it will all come unraveling and spinning unwound around my ears.

I pull into Chick-Fil-A for lunch. Opt for a sweet tea over an iced coffee from Starbucks. Why? Because I just wanted someone to be so, so nice to me. I nearly cried with how decently they added my chicken sandwich to my order, did I just want pickles, or could they add tomato and lettuce, too? How they asked if they could help me with anything else (No, no, you can’t. I wish, I wish...) how they wanted a name for my order, how they wished me to have a good day, how they thanked me for letting them serve me today. Tears bit at the insides of my eyelids and I bit on my lip to keep it away. Held my breath, again.

“You’re not going to cry just because someone was nice to you as you bought waffle fries.”

But... in all of this. Guys, that’s all I know. That’s all I know is to be unendingly kind, unceasingly compassionate, unwaveringly aware that we’re all fighting battle after bloody battle. And if we’re not careful with each other, if we’re not open with the tender and open with the acceptance and honest with the truth and the real, the darkness wins. It swallows all the good, all the winning that could come.  That should come.  If we let it, the memories we shared and the laughter we hold onto and the things we love about the bright, funny, creative, talented, joy-giving that we lost... we will lose us.

We will lose on what could be the most beautiful, extraordinary, unexpected, ripple effect ever.  Ever ever.

It only takes one to start it. One drop. One stone. One bubble on the water. 

And it all quakes and lets go and trembles across the surface. Changing the entire thing. Changing the view of things forever.  If you’re watching. If you’re paying attention. If you’re willing to go forward and let go of the rewind.

None of us know how. None of us know how to exist in a new normal when your old normal felt just fine. Just beautiful. Just kind of perfect. But we’re here now and the path is set before us and I watch a new way eat away at the night. The sun struggling up in the midst of a foggy, dusky morning.

And I’m with the sun, struggling to stand on shaky legs in the light of a new day, a shadowy, fog-filled Wednesday. It’s just another day like any other day, but unlike any other day. I’m the same but different. Unprepared. Unexplainable. Just here, beating and breathing and questioning and going on, kind of. 

Every step feels like a betrayal. Every moment of peace I feel, betrays a moment that she didn’t. Every joke I laugh at, every mundane task that I do, every phone call or text to a friend, feels like a tragedy. Like I’m cheating on memory. Cheating on love. And I’m not, I’m just living, but in the face of death, of letting go, of an unprepared for end, we’re all left hanging and living and walking and breathing shallow. And it all feels like a beautiful, tragic, unfair scene.

We keep replaying and simulatenously trying to fast forward, and it’s the in between that has us such a wreck. What do we do with now? We knew what to do then, or thought we did, we know all the things everyone says about the future - that time will heal, that time will tell, that time will give us perspective and more chances to love - but right now? What do we do with the right now? It’s always the inbetween that gets sticky. A little lost or misdirected.

Dark.

But... 

And I smile. Just a little.  Feel it just a bit around the edges.

But... God.

A few weeks ago, I read it to my son before he hopped on the bus with the exuberance only a six-year old can muster at 6:45 a.m. I read how many times that phrase is in the Bible, how the story looks to be this, seems to be that, the whole pot stirring one direction and you think you know the outcome... and then it all changes. The atmosphere itself melts a little, submits. It was this and going to be that, BUT GOD.

It’s dark and feels hopeless... but God.
It’s confuisng and unfair... but God.

And I stutter it to myself, I have for days. “But, God..” but, but. We didn’t get this chance. We didn’t get that warning. We didn’t pick up, weren’t grateful enough, weren’t loving, weren’t present, we just... weren’t. Enough. And the fears and the excuses and the regret bubbles against our bitten lips.  We’ve been biting our lips for days. Trying to keep it in. Trying to let it out. The ragged edges of grief dragging itself up and down our spines, rubbing us raw.

It’s all perspective. Night and day.

The hesitant, fearful, trembling, “But God...” and the tearful, trusting, hanging onto a sliver, or maybe just the simple idea, of hope, “But God...” Can You change this? Can You redeem this? Can You show us what we need to know in all of this, in this hard, hard story?

I nod in the dim dark, the dim light, of my music/office/sanctuary.

Yes.  I believe He can. I believe He will.

The rain splatters like heavy tears onto my sidewalk, onto the roof of my house. The gutters catching and running free, the earth soaking it up, the Fall leaves dancing and almost twirling, like hundreds of tiny dancers on tiny limbs... and I think of her and I think of all of us and I think of God.

I think of what we had and give thanks. I think of what will be... and give thanks.

And I watch the dark run.


"Now the earth was formless and empty,
darkness covered the surface of the watery depths,
and the Spirit of God was hovering over 
the surface of the waters..."
~  G e n e s i s   1 : 2


"He will carry the lambs in his arms,
holding them close to his heart..."
~ I s a i a h   4 0 : 1 1  




Thursday, September 29, 2016

{ You Don't Miss a Thing }

There are days when things feel a little winsome.  A little magical.  When I feel like I am those things in those days.  That there is an otherwordly grasp.  A song I can’t hear, have never heard, but completely know.  Every chord.  Every strain.  Every dotted half note.  I hang on every tone as though it’s a good word.  I’m walking around, but I feel like I’m dancing.  I am dancing.

Today was one of those days. It didn’t start out in an extraordinary fashion, but then again, maybe it did.  It started dark and early, like every morning. I actually pushed myself out of bed even earlier in an effort to have a come to Jesus moment. I wanted it. Needed it. Went looking for it, like a nighttime snack.  But instead of my head in the freezer searching for the next pint of mint chocolate chip, my hands were around a mug and my heart was looking for Him.  Expecting Him. 

I read some verses. Said a small prayer. Waited for the alarm to get my oldest up for school, since the sun wouldn’t be up for awhile, yet. I waited.  Told myself to hold in the pause.  To not fight it.  Just let myself be quiet.  Maybe that’s what He wanted me to experience.  Just quiet.  So I held my mug and watched the clock and tried to push away the to-do’s that were already rudely interrupting, begging for my attention.

Over breakfast I read devotions to Joel, just like I always do.  What else do you do at 5:50 a.m. when you’re sitting in your dining room, staring at each other in the dark? He munches a NutriGrain bar. I finish off my coffee.  And I read about the moments in the Bible - the “But God” moments.  The times when things looked like they were headed one direction, but then it all swevered.  It was this and that, but then, God.  He showed up. Shifted the trajectory.  Started playing a whole new song.

As I walk him to the end of our drive to wait for the bus, I hold my phone in my hand. In the weeks since school started, I haven’t done this once.  But I took it with me, anticipating something worth taking a picture of.  The sky was alight with stars and our house glowed like it’s own little city on a hill (except it’s not on a hill).  Once the bus pulled away with my six year old, I stepped across the gravel road into the edge of the neighboring field.  Snapped a photo of my home sweet home against the dusky sky.  Felt thankful for my sweet family and the home we built last year, that my husband and I designed all by ourselves.  Hoping that when I got in the house, the smallest were still sleeping.  Maybe I could have just a little more peace? Hang on to whatever seemed to be bobbing right in front of me?

I had a friend from church planning to show up in a couple hours.  She was sweetly bringing me Starbucks.  I had gulped down my insecurities and my silliness and went live with a request to my team that they pray for me.  My anxieties were riding high and panit attacks were heavy on my chest, clawing at my throat.  My introverted nature made it hard to open up and even harder to allow someone to come and care for me, even if it was just a Grande Iced Salted Carmel White Mocha.  But I relaxed my death grip on my own semi-security and said, why not? Maybe God wanted to take care of me by having this friend bring me coffee. And who am I to argue with God if He wants to bring an exhausted mother of three a Starbucks?

Let’s not be silly.

But I told my best friend... that I kind of wished it was a best friend.  I only have a couple and my heart ached for something that felt like home, I think. I think that’s what I was crying about.  And I told her, “You would know to bring me donuts. You would know to bring me a huge Starbucks and all the donuts and we would just sit and I wouldn’t have to talk.”

And then there’s a knock on my door and a sweet friend, who didn’t have to go out of her way for me, but so did... she shows up all smiles and love and grace, holding my iced coffee.  I let her in and she says my baby is cute (he is) and then she hands me a bag, “Here,...” she says, “I didn’t know what you’d like, but here are some donuts and I got some chocolate ones....” I’m already tearing up as she open hands me a necklace with a sparrow on a chain, reminding me that I’m seen and loved and treasured by God and by others.

I hug her once.  I hug her twice.

She leaves and I melt into my day and my delicious treats and I soak up love, wear it like my favorite socks, wrapping myself in the truth of being seen and valued like a well-worn hoodie.  It was comfort and soul food and that was the best donut I’ve ever had.  Ever.  Ever ever.  And I read in a book that is in a stack in our living room, about how God so loves us, how we’re royal and blessed and all we have to do is ask in His name.  We have an inheriatance and a voice and power in us that raised Christ from the dead.  And we don’t use it.  We don’t walk around trying to wield our swords.  We don’t walk around... expecting.  

I’m padding around my house in my grace and my imaginary “Jesus Loves Me” hoodie and I’m so grateful and full (of donuts and blessing) and it all feels good.  Just like I needed it to.

And just like when you think you have the ending of the story all figured out, have the perfect way to wrap up the day and knot it tight,... but God isn’t done, yet.

Not long before the bus is set to bring my big boy home, I start tackling a cleaning project in the kitchen. I decide to start my organzation dreams by purging the sippy cups and travel mugs we never use. I could use that drawer for something, anything else. I sit down and start sorting. Toss it. Keep it. Toss it.  Never liked it anyway. 

I pull out a glass tumbler, something my sister gave me a few Christmases ago. I actually have never used it. I don’t know if I didn’t trust myself with the glass or what, but I’ve just been storing it. I set it aside to either get rid of or re-gift.  And that’s when I see the verse reflected in the glass, shimmering in my palm: “For I know the plans...”

No. Wait, what? This?

Now?

A quick backstory: about a month ago, my pastor shared how, in a dream, the reference “Jeremiah 29:11” wouldn’t stop running through his mind. He finally woke up and asked God to reveal what this meant.  It all unfolded in a way that the verse refrence, the beautiful reminder that God knows His ways for us, was specifically intended for a handful of people. I’ve honestly kind of glossed over the verse in the past. I’ve seen it’s overuse on graduation cards and new baby cards and “You’ll get through this” cards and I think it lost some allure for me. Surely there were OTHER verses that would hand more to my hungry heart.

But still... I listened on that Sunday of the stories unfolding. And I expected. I mean, didn’t God have a Jeremiah 29:11 experience for me?

I would read my boys their nightly bedtime story, expecting to see the reference there. 

Nothing.

I opened up a devotional and fully expected to see the verses glowing, the text highlited just for me.

It never was.

I anticipated a friend sharing a reminder. Someone sending me a card. A note. Anything. I joked with a fellow staff member at church, “Where’s MY Jeremiah 29:11?! I’m here! I’m ready! I love Jesus!”

Maybe I was living out my purpose. I’m married and have kids and a house. I have beautiful part-time work at the church I love and people that I’m honored to link arms with and do ministry with - wasn’t that my purpose? Why did there have to be more? The dreamer in me probably just needed a kick in the pants and a reality check and to go do another load of laundry for crying out loud.

But here I was, sitting on the (probably needing to be swept) floor of my kitchen, going through a junk drawer of plastic and insulated cups... and God was showing up?  Handing me my own Jeremiah 29:11 moment? I was almost too stunned, too frozen, too freaking loved in and out in that moment, to cry.  The tears pushed gently at my eyelashes.

My dreams?  Are they ever mine? Were they ever? Hunger in my spirit for more times to worship, more opportunities to shatter myself at His feet, more ways to be creative, loving,... words and music and dust and bones and housework and babies and vacations and school field trips and hand holding and song learning and toilet cleaning.... could He be in all of it? Could He be intending, all of it?  Could He be, still, holding... all of it?  While I struggle exhausted and coffee laden through “the little years”, what about my deep love for my Savior? What about the stories I’m dying to tell about the Jesus who loves, loves, loves?  Am I just sitting here, holding another shopping list, watching my dreams die?

Or does He have a deep well of purposes for me? 

For you?

Could I live in expectation and wonder?  Could I do all my jobs and wear all the hats and still... still have my heart catch at the possibility, the ancipated enchantment of a God who never stops telling stories in our lives?  Who never stops purposing and repurposing?  It goes on and on. His goodness.  Our path.  All glory and honor and praise. 

Holy. Holy. Holy.

And it’s found in donuts that she didn’t know you needed, but He did.

It’s unwrapped in the little moments.  It surprises us every time, but it shouldn’t.  He told us this was the way.  When you look for Him with your whole heart.... when you walk heavy to the end of your driveway and watch the sky... when you open up to be used for Him... when you shatter every tender pint of hope and terror and passion and will at His open door... you find Him.

He may not give you a blueprint.  He may just give you a chocolate covered donut.

But the thing is... that small... that tangible... it will always end up being the very thing, the very deep love language that your desperate lungs are gasping for.

And you’ll feel something crack in another world, something that opens up... and you’ll know that that banner - forever and for always waving, billowing, tugging at you to believe His plans and His vast desire for you to come fully alive - you’ll know He is stretching it out for you to see, for you to know...


And it will say, “You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. By me.” 


"When You stand, I feel the floor of Heaven tremble.
As You breathe, we live and have our being
When You speak, oh I feel it in my chest.
When You sing, all my fears are put to rest.
What a wondrous thing, I can stand to sing,
cause when I fall to my knees, 
You're the one Who pulls me up again.
What a mystery, that You notice me!
And in a crowd of ten thousand, 
You don't miss a thing..."
~  A m a n d a   C o o k   /   B e t h e l 




Sunday, March 13, 2016

Come like rain...

The past few days, I’ve felt like I’ve just ran into dead end, after dead end.  

I’m delightfully in my 27 week of pregnancy with our third, sweet, crazy, little boy... and I am so grateful.  But I have also been nauseous nearly every day since we conceived back in September. I’m not exaggerating.  

On top of persistent (and finally medicated) nausea, I’ve had a flu bug that left me severely dehydrated and with monstrous headaches for days.  I’m still a mother to two boys under the age of five and have continued all of the shopping, the tasks, the runs to and from preschool and a husband on travel for work.  It doesn’t sound like much, maybe - I know we all have our own battles.  This is just where I’m at and physically I am beyond my breaking point.

And then I caught my preschooler’s headcold.  

I’ve been coughing for days.  Horrible, racking, my lungs are going to be shredded to pieces, coughing.  I’ve been awakened anywhere from 1:30 a.m. to 3:30 a.m. with a hacking fit that would persist for hours.  Literally.  I’ve had very little true rest, but I’ve gotten a lot of Pinterest plans and online shopping accomplished. The other night I went ahead and ordered an embroidered stocking for the new baby.  I realize it’s March and this made me feel like I was really killing it.  Take that Christmas 2016.  I own you.

It’s been such a struggle - not to just “feel better” but to act better as I’ve done nothing but feel worse as the months have gone by.  I’ve come close to asking for help and then I’ll retreat.  I’ve come close to asking for prayer and then delete my request.  My problems aren’t as big as others that are out there.  I’m blessedly pregnant and we have a comfy house and plenty of snacks in the pantry.  My kids have been incredibly healthy (headcold aside) and when my husband travels we splurge on pizza and donuts and fresh flowers to get through the long days. Admittedly, life could be worse. I’ve worked on my mental outlook, made lists, striven to be more productive and have tried to rest more.  

Well, not really the resting part.  That’s a lie. I’ve mainly just been pushing myself continually forward. (The abundance of pizza is real, though.)

Another long night, a restless couple of hours spent trying to sleep in a recliner and my kids are up promptly before the sun.  I couldn’t have been more weary.  Couldn’t have been more ready for a Sunday morning at church.  Couldn’t have needed worship and my church family more.  And yet I’m on the couch with a tumbler of water and my three year old.  Because I can barely breathe, can hardly speak and I’m not real sure when I showered last, to be honest.

Desperate for “a good word”, I shamelessly handed my kid the iPad and pulled up a previously DVRd segment with Beth Moore.  I watched and listened and paused and prayed... and I watched the rain outside and felt myself begin to really breathe again.  Not in the in and out way, but in the “I’m alive and I’m grateful” sort of way.  And then she said this; my head jerking away from the view outside to the television screen as I went from watching rain splatters on my window to hearing her say the word, “umbrella”...

“... I had an umbrella in my hands that I never opened, because I wanted to get drenched with rain... I want to tell you, it was one of - the most romantic moments I have ever had with Jesus.  Cause you know what, I feel like He said, “You know what? You’re in it anyway.  Praise me with everything you’ve got. You praise me.  And with every bolt of lightening you dance with everything you’ve got. You go ahead and call upon my name. I will put my hand over you, but you give Me praise. You give Me the praise that I am due.” ~ Beth Moore

I will tell you... by the end of her sharing this moment, I had my face covered with my hands, sobbing.

Why?  Because honey, you’re in it anyway.  For me?  The cold, the less than dreamy pregnancy, the long days, the long nights, the restlessness, the inability to focus or work or feel like a success... the frustration with no energy, my lack of patience with my kids, with others.  Lightening bolt after lightening bolt, slamming down on the ground next to me.  And I can’t run away.  I’m just here, right smack dab in the middle of it.  What do I do? What am I supposed to do?

Praise anyway.  Give thanks anyway.  Worship anyway.  

I’ve been trying to do that, but not really. I’ve yanked out my gratitude journal a few times and sometimes I wrote stuff down and other times I just pulled out my pen, only to lay it back down.  It’s not that I wasn’t feeling thankfulness somewhere in my core, but I just couldn’t summon up the exact words.  The precise praise.  

I was too focused on just getting out of my bad mood or my depressed feelings.  There had to be a way out.  Something I could fix if I worked harder or cleaned more or had an afternoon by myself.  Something that would be relieved with a trip to Target or a genuinely restful nap.  Maybe if I organized some more or threw one more bag of stuff in the van to get rid of.  Maybe if I dusted or decluttered or called my Mom. 

Texting with a friend - her at church, ready to worship, me at home, wanting to be at church - and I told her I was praying for her and the service (and I was) and she said, “Maybe God wants you at home to pray.”

For such a time as this.  Beth Moore echoes it from my television screen.

I hadn’t thought of that.  I’m part of the Worship Arts team.  I’m supposed to be there.  I’m supposed to be smiley and present and ready to belt it out.  That’s all I could think of when my cold rendered my voice useless.  I can’t sing.  Great.  Awesome.  Now my Sunday is shot.  I can’t be at church and staying home feels like a failure or an excuse.  I rankled against all of it.  Cried a little because of it.  I didn’t want to be here, I wanted to be there! I felt cheated and guilty because a cold had deemed me useless.

But what if... what if He really wanted me right here.  Right now.  Today.

Not just to pray and do my part from wherever... but to realize that He can do His part with me any time.  Any weather.  No matter if I can sing or not sing.  And that not only could I still worship from right here... but that He could and would meet me.  

I had all my fingers in all the cracks in all the dams.  

And then... then it started raining.

Forget what I was trying to hold back or hold in... now it was coming down.  All sides, all angles.  No umbrella big enough.

And that’s when I stopped.  When I inched my hands back.  When I realized the futility in what I was actually trying to accomplish.  I watched the grey skies with a sense of relief.  I watched the puddles become rivers with a sense of joy.  I didn’t think about the promise of Spring or sunshine that will come or how it’ll all be brighter and better someday.  

I just watched it rain today.

Gently pulled my determined fingers from the leaking holes.

And thought how good it would feel to humbly just surrender them out.

It’s raining anyway.  I’m here anyway.  

What if I praised... anyway?


"Let us know
let us press on to know the LORD
his going out is sure as the dawn; 
he will come to us as the showers, 
as the spring rains that water the earth..."
 ~  H o s e a   6 : 3 ,   E S V