I am enormously pleased with myself this evening (and not just because I clocked two miles on the elliptical today. Not bad for a nearly 8 month pregnant chick, if you ask me!). I hope that doesn't make me sound terrible, because I'm not. I mean, sure I've got some serious foibles but I'm not a troll.
Anyway, I'm happy with myself and not in an, "I'm so awesome I make my teeth hurt." kind of way, but in a, "Maybe I'm actually catching on." kind of way. Yesterday the message at church was really convicting in terms of how we use our time in correlation with what we say our priorities are. It was one of those times where I felt excited for a new day and a little dazed by feeling as though I had just been smacked between the eyes.
And can I just say how grateful I am that God's mercies are truly new every morning? Whew.
Last night, while my husband was downing an obscene number of buffalo wings, I was home alone with a notebook and a pen. I spent a lot of time just staring at the lines on the paper. Where to begin when you need a massive life-style overhaul? I have some itchy perfectionistic tendencies that I have to learn to keep my hands off of and it's difficult. I can't do everything, all the time, every day. But I can maybe handle some things, on certain days, each day of the week.
For instance: house chores. Monday I hit the ground running and I'm washing sheets and spraying down the shower and mopping the kitchen floor... and before I know it I'm so exhausted that by the time Tuesday rolls around I'm completely spent. And that "I have nothing more to give, ever." feeling sticks around until the following Monday. Hey, I'm just being honest. And then of course my brain-deadness results in lamely scanning Facebook updates and hitting the "refresh" button. And after much more time than is reasonable or healthy, I kind of snap out of it and think, "What am I doing?!" And sometimes I don't immediately recognize the mind-numbingness. Now, that's just sad. Seriously.
The problem is, because I effectively burn my candle at both ends within a 24 hour period, I completely sap myself of inspiration and drive for the remainder of the week. And that effects every area. That means if I do x, y and z on Monday and let's say I never get to dusting, well, then dusting never gets done. Or even more importantly, if I do x, y and z on Monday, then I never crack open my Bible. I never go to the gym. I'm just mentally and physically done.
But not today, my followers! Not this day!
"Never discourage anyone who continually
makes progress, no matter how slow."
Last night my process went like this: make a list of the things I need for my spiritual growth and my relationship with the Lord. Add the things that I need for my own physical and emotional well-being, such as actually making it to the gym or taking the time for some fun reading before turning in for the night. And then I listed my household chores that need to be done on a weekly basis and those that are daily or on an "as needed" basis (laundry, dishes, etc.)
Does this make you feel like a mad clown? Imagine how I felt before!
Anyway, daily I need time with God and a physical outlet. I need to have devoted quiet time and I either need to make it to the gym (which shouldn't be too tough since it's a whole 2 miles away from my house!) or dance or something every day. And since I am a house-wife who will soon be a stay-at-home-mom, my "job" is to keep my house clean, functional, organized and equipped (you know like having extra soap on hand and never running out of milk).
But I don't have to do everything in my house every day. But I do need to have sincere time with the Lord every day. Because when I don't, I am nowhere near the me that I should be. And I can't be that daughter, that wife, that friend, that mother without Him. And as much as I love my house and revel in the orderliness of it (when it is in actual order - ha!) I know that it is not the end-all. And that when I'm eighty, I doubt I'm going to look back and wish I had been more diligent about dusting my baseboards.
What are your convictions? Your passions? And what do your days actually look like? Do they resemble where your heart is at or do they simply reflect what you're distracted by?
Lots of questions. Lots to dwell on. And tomorrow is another day to try, try, again.
"Every day you may make progress.
Every step may be fruitful.
Yet there will stretch out before you an
ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path.
You know you will never get to the end of the journey.
But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to
the joy and glory of the climb."
~ Winston Churchill