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Showing posts from 2013

The Lord God omnipotent reigneth...

I’ve already started marking out my dreamy goals for the future year.  I’m already getting wildly excited and crazy hopeful and I’m ready.  Bring on January!  Forget the frost and the let-down from Christmas-craze and the drop in our spirits as we dim the lights, turn them down and off for another year, wind them back into a knot and shove them up into the attic.  The winter is here and we’re warm now.  We have the bright gifts, the glowing lights, the holiday cheer ringing loud like the Salvation Army bells outside of every shopping center.  
But we know the drop, the drooped spirit, the draped hope, is coming.  
You can feel it.  That nudge to despair.  Just a little.  To think that the new year is coming and it’s tied tight with possibility, but to feel that once Christmas is over that it’s all over.  That once we stop singing the age-old Christmas hymns and carols and theme songs, that it will just feel all white and gray and drab.  That we’ll suddenly realize the cold snow heaped u…

We've been waiting...

The day just started that way.  

Just too early.  One of those.  

I tried to be positive.  Count my blessings.  Enjoy the early, midnight-like sky out the windows, snuggling with the boys.  Took a picture as the sun peeked up.  

Trying, trying, trying.

I started on chores.  Tossed every piece of bedding, for every bed, in the wash.  Gave little men baths while other homes were just waking up and getting breakfast around.  Let them create mayhem around the room while I dusted; packed away too-small little boy clothes and made room for the next size.  

And then.

Then the tears and the tantrum and the wanting to push my head or my fist through the wall.  Trying to breath deep, ignore the pressing and the stressing, but my buttons just kept getting pushed. My willpower dangling off a rickety bridge.  My patience spring-boarding out of control, sky-rocketing into another world.  Impatience, exhaustion, hugging close.  With one sitting on the potty and crying for the upteenth time about who-knows…

God incarnate, here to dwell...

I’m awake six minutes before my alarm.  Typically this would frustrate me so bad.  I had prayed God would guard my devotional time and here we are, another morning with my youngest wanting to start the day just when I want space and quiet to start the day my way.  As the bottle warms, I light a candle on the stove.  I turn the page on the Advent calendar and read, “The promise of Light.”... and smile.  

And when he unsuccessfully goes back down for the morning, I shuffle him out in the dim dark, trying to not wake up his big brother.  I lift the Noah’s Ark from the shelf and bring it down the steps with us, hoping that something new to play with will distract and keep him occupied while I dive into some study.  And instead I watch him at the foot of the tree, playing with Noah and his charges and I think... that’s where all stories start, where they all flow to... the foot of The Tree.

I think back to Sunday, how December first was on the Sabbath and I think what I thought then,... how …

God is a refuge...

Sometimes I feel like I want to run away.  Or lock myself in a room so I can't be found for awhile.  But then I think, isn’t my hiding an indication that deep down what I really want is to be discovered?  That I want someone to dig me out from where I’m hiding at the back of my closet and say hey, why are you here and hey, come let me give you a hug and hey, why don’t you tell me why you feel alone?  

It’s a funny thing to be with people all day long and still feel alone.  I think that’s part of being a primary caregiver to small children.  I had a friend recently, who is single, tell me that after keeping a friend’s child for a day she was ready to lose her mind.  She said, “If I had to have one more child-like conversation I thought I was going to go mad.”  She laughed and said she had a renewed respect for those who stay home and I felt justified.  Validated.  Understood just a little bit.
I have been struggling with burnout.  Not a little.  Not just on the fringes.  Not just bec…

Songs not about Santa...

We weren’t even there yet and I was critically telling myself it was a bad idea.  

It was late, they were tired, I was tired.  But the days of the week were running low, slipping through the narrow funnel of time-left and all-the-things-still-to-do.  With Daddy out of town and Mommy running low on energy and patience and everything else.  A heavy still-to-do list in my pocket and I was pretty much thinking this outing was doomed from the start.  

We had jetted off to Target the night before and it had been a near fiasco.  And here we were, another night after dinner and out running around in the early evening dark.  We slowed and allowed eight deer to pass.  I would probably hit a deer tonight.  That was my thought.  That would just be whipped cream on the top of a spilled peppermint mocha right now.  I had nearly had a heart attack and an immediate ugly-cry at Target when I feared I had lost my keys.  

Just.  Stay.  Home.  That's what I should have done.

But I had things to pick-up a…

Nothing and no one can exist outside of You...

I had a long night.  

My husband woke me around midnight because Joel needed a diaper change and wanted me to do it.  I stumbled up the stairs and changed him, completely on auto-pilot, with only the light from the moose nightlight in the hall.  Aaron goes, “How do you do that in the dark!?” I don’t know. I’ve done it a million and a half times over the past 3.5 years.  You get good at stuff.

Then Travis wakes just after 4 a.m.  I feed him and put him back down, but he cries and fusses and flops around like a fish just caught.  I go back upstairs no less than four times to cover him back up, unstick his legs from the crib, pat, console, cover up again.  I collapse back into bed, praying he just sleeps.  I look at my phone: 5:45 a.m. flashes.  Surely he has to pass back out soon.  And he does get quiet and my breathing calms.  Good.  Maybe I can get another hour, if I’m lucky.  I pass out cold.

Fifteen minutes later I’m awakened by the voice of my oldest on the monitor.  Are you kidding? …

Even in winter...

I know it’s possible, but how is it possible to have snow starting already?
I’m not ready!  I just got used to Fall and the return of pumpkin spice lattes and boots and sweaters and harvest time!  I want more pumpkins and more nights around the fire and more cool fall mornings with the windows open and the fresh air rolling through the house.  
But suddenly it seems we’re catapulting into long underwear weather and while the peppermint mochas are truly divine, I’m not ready for this.  I’m not ready for snow and slush and ice.  I’m not ready to become a winter hermit.  I’m not a trek-through-the-snow kind of girl.  I suppose having a near fatal car accident on iced-over roads will do that to a person.  But regardless, snow is pretty, but it always sticks around for so long.  And those hazy winter skies!  Looking up in hopes of finding bright sun and billowy clouds will be met with that depressing haze of winter.  I can feel the dark cloud on my head already.
I'm.  Not.  Ready.  
I am f…