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Showing posts from October, 2013

Nothing and no one can exist outside of You...

I had a long night.  

My husband woke me around midnight because Joel needed a diaper change and wanted me to do it.  I stumbled up the stairs and changed him, completely on auto-pilot, with only the light from the moose nightlight in the hall.  Aaron goes, “How do you do that in the dark!?” I don’t know. I’ve done it a million and a half times over the past 3.5 years.  You get good at stuff.

Then Travis wakes just after 4 a.m.  I feed him and put him back down, but he cries and fusses and flops around like a fish just caught.  I go back upstairs no less than four times to cover him back up, unstick his legs from the crib, pat, console, cover up again.  I collapse back into bed, praying he just sleeps.  I look at my phone: 5:45 a.m. flashes.  Surely he has to pass back out soon.  And he does get quiet and my breathing calms.  Good.  Maybe I can get another hour, if I’m lucky.  I pass out cold.

Fifteen minutes later I’m awakened by the voice of my oldest on the monitor.  Are you kidding? …

Even in winter...

I know it’s possible, but how is it possible to have snow starting already?
I’m not ready!  I just got used to Fall and the return of pumpkin spice lattes and boots and sweaters and harvest time!  I want more pumpkins and more nights around the fire and more cool fall mornings with the windows open and the fresh air rolling through the house.  
But suddenly it seems we’re catapulting into long underwear weather and while the peppermint mochas are truly divine, I’m not ready for this.  I’m not ready for snow and slush and ice.  I’m not ready to become a winter hermit.  I’m not a trek-through-the-snow kind of girl.  I suppose having a near fatal car accident on iced-over roads will do that to a person.  But regardless, snow is pretty, but it always sticks around for so long.  And those hazy winter skies!  Looking up in hopes of finding bright sun and billowy clouds will be met with that depressing haze of winter.  I can feel the dark cloud on my head already.
I'm.  Not.  Ready.  
I am f…

Cause I can be scattered, frail and shattered...

I think I’ll never forget.  
I had just sat down with my plate of eggs for breakfast.  I had just texted my best friend to tell her I had more cheese on my plate than eggs; I was feeling silly and excited, planning to leave within a couple hours for a road trip to see my family.  And just a few bites in and Travis toddles in, holding a lighted compact mirror that I had handed to him about fifteen minutes before.  He had been mesmerized with the opening and closing and the lights and I just let his chubby hands take off with it, without thinking.
He walks up, toothy grin, holding it out.  
And that’s when I notice the back is open.
I know my heart stopped.  And if not then, then it definitely paused and fell when I noticed, so quickly, that only three of the four small button-like batteries were in place.  
I put him quickly in his chair and then combed the living room.  Begging through tears, through prayers, plaguing Joel with questions, “Did you see Travis eat anything?  Honey, it’s so, …